By Michele Lemieur
Even after sixteen years, I still pause before answering this question. My mind races. Two or three? How far do I want to take this conversation? I have two sons and one angel baby. Emily would be sixteen. There was a time when I couldn’t see my life past the next moment, the next breath. I have found my “new normal” as the mother of two boys who couldn’t be more opposite and wouldn’t have it any other way.
After two failed adoptions and two years after Emily’s death, my son Landon was born via open adoption and my extended family grew. I was finally a mother and his little brown haired, brown eyed boy owned my heart. My ex-husband and I endured nine long years of infertility treatments to start our family before Emily was born. I still wanted to be a mother, so adoption was our only option. 20 months later, Landon Todd Fidel was chosen by his sister to be our son.
Three weeks after Landon’s first birthday, I found out I was pregnant. Naturally. 38 weeks later, blonde haired, blue eyed Connor Joseph John was born by cesarean. Two boys under the age of two…..oh my!
One out-going, one autistic. One athletic, one a gamer. One extrovert, one introvert. One ying, to the others yang. Together with their sister, I have never known such complete and all encompassing love. My time to mother my daughter will come, but not yet. I have A LOT of living to do here with my sons. They are teaching me about fly-fishing, football, video games and patience.
No parent should ever feel the pain of having to give your child back to the Creator, yet I survived because of the power of her love. She did not want me to wallow in my sadness, but to bask in the love of her brothers.
When I tell you that I have three children, it is not for sadness or pity, but to share my story of love and survival. If my reply is two, I still have days when I think of the memories that I didn’t get to make as my daughter’s mother. My children are my most favorite topics and can’t wait to share them with you.